Resentment

Resentment is a powerful emotional experience that can hinder one’s outlook on relationships, quality of life, and spiritual growth. According to Wikipedia, Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.  It is natural to feel negative emotions after someone has hurt or wronged us.  However, resentment cuts deeper than mere irritability, annoyance and even anger.  Resentment is closely connected to feeling humiliated, disrespected, abused, invalidated, belittled, scored, rejected, ridiculed, and abandoned. 
In contrast to anger, resentment’s powerful affect are only noticed by the individual experiencing it.  In other words, anger is usually noticed and seen by others’ and the angry individual.  Anger is usually displayed by screaming, yelling, the use foul language, hurling insults, and physical aggression.  Resentment, however, is silent, toxic, and misleading.  A person with resentment can engage in flowery conversation with the person he or she has resentment towards.  A person with resentment can put a fake smile while thinking bad thoughts of the individual they resent; and they are also able to withhold emotional connection and care while having physical “intimate” contact. 
Resentment is toxic to one’s spiritual growth and development.  Resentment causes depression, anxiety, suspicion and fear.  Resentment ultimately robs us of the capacity to forgive.  If we do not refine the “skill” of releasing resentments, we will develop the “habit” of building resentments with others when they wrong us.  Sooner or later, resentment becomes a natural and “automatic” psychological and emotional defense.
Relieving one of resentment takes work and discipline.  It is also never an easy task when one is constantly reminded of the past hurts or when the person you resent continues with his or her behavior that fueled your resentment in the first place.  The following are some tools that may aid in your journey to letting go of your resentment. 
1)      Take responsibility for your resentment.  Blaming others’ for your emotional response is not productive.  Take responsibility for contributing to your anger and resentment (i.e. prejudging the person’s intentions as “always” negative.)
2)      Decrease your tendency to control and change people.  This is a delusion! (sorry for the bluntness). 
3)      Understand the triggers to your resentment.  For example, understand the individual that you resent and accept them for who they are.  Even if they are toxic.  This will help you depersonalize their negativity or toxicity.
4)      Practice assertive communication: ex—“I feel frustrated when you don’t communicate with me.” 
5)      Decrease your tendency to mind-read! Even if your accurate most of the time. 
6)      Finally find supportive people that will not fuel your anger and resentment.  Some of us crave others that will listen and agree and justify our resentments.  You’re going to need people that are willing to “snap you out” of your resentful state. 
By Ernesto Segismundo LMFT
Turning Point Counseling